Older-kind

We finished our first rough cut tonight for a short film I wrote, directed, starred in, and have produced as well (I guess). It's a rough night.  Okay, rough is overstated - I have much to learn. I've been excited in the process, but I'm reminded of a recent interview I heard with Ira Glass talking about beginners, that most people don't stick through the part of making things where what you're making does not meet your taste level. Right now, I'm feeling that way.  It's still a rough cut. I don't know what will happen. I'm working on editing with someone who is really enjoying it, and we all are. It was fun to shoot, and it's been fun to work on.  I know I will push through. I hope it turns out to be something good.

We took out a shot of pigeons taking off from the ground. It just occurred to me that we should put it back in.

Communicating in any art from is challenging. I've never called myself an artist, as it feels a little high falutin to me, but I've always created. It's a deep impulse. I'm learning a new way. Creating drama in film is hard. I have years of working in the theater, so I know the drill with a play. About 3 weeks into a 4 week rehearsal process it all starts to fail. You get it on it's feet and it's a rickety house. Your body feels foreign, there is no rhythm, everyone despairs.  Then you add tech and it's under water again, and then you open and it somehow comes together.  I don't know this process in film. Perhaps there is a first cut depression.  I'll muscle through. I hope it's watchable.

Saturday I sat with a new friend who is a portrait photographer. We chatted for a couple hours while he took photos in his studio apartment. I got to see him practice his art, to wonderful results.  I enjoyed sitting, but realized how tired I was after, that it makes me a little tense. It's new to me.

I'm too old to be a wunderkind. I'm sad about that, but that ship has sailed. I'm hoping to be an older-kind.  So this is my first film. It's not my first piece of writing. If I keep doing this, in twenty years I could say I've been doing this for twenty years.  If I stop now I wouldn't be any kind of kind. Just the quitting kind, something unkind.  I'm hoping for resilience. I'm remembering that I'm learning.

I suppose it's apt my short is called "Under Construction."  I keep finding myself inadvertently in my titles.