Wednesday, April 09, 2014

What I shouldn't be doing

I spoke with my 95 year-old grandmother the other day, and mentioned that my mother asked how my romantic life was.  I told her I had only broken up with my boyfriend a scant two months ago, and that wasn't enough time.

"How long are you going to mourn that?" she asked. I laughed, but she was serious. I told her I didn't feel like dating.  She asked if sometimes you don't take the action first and the feeling follows. She's an emotional ninja.  And wise. She had just been watching Eckhart Tolle and Oprah in conversation.

I've been taking some action. I don't feel like it. But she's right, if I waited for the feeling to happen first, I'd pretty much never do anything. I have a fair amount of experience of that in this area. It's a mass of doubt, and looking at online dating sites makes me sad and anxious.  Maybe it's not really time yet.

I don't know if mourning is the right word. I think maybe healing is. I'm surprised how hard this has hit me. I initiated it, and I think it's right for both of us, but like anything else I may not know that for another decade.  Regret is so much easier than looking forward.  At the moment, it's the lazy choice. As the song says, breaking up is hard to do. This one has been the hardest so far. Kinda makes me want to stop trying altogether.

So I have some coffee dates set up. I'm asking questions. I'm listening and responding. I'm remembering that I learned I get to have an opinion about whether I want to date someone, not just worry what he thinks about me - that never turns out well.  I'm taking the action. I'm hoping the feelings will follow.

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